Beginning of Feb

Exciting news...I am going to Paris!!!! I have been refraining from putting this on Facebook because...well really, I am not on there much and I am leery about adding that information on there. What if someone wants to burglarize my home?! So no dates will be mentioned, until I have returned, and I will probably keep my posts minimal. Yes, that is the extent of my paranoia. I am so incredibly excited to be going and cannot believe this amazing opportunity. I get to travel with my hip g-ma, and we are going to have such a phenomenal time exploring the city that I have loved since High School. I still cannot believe that I am going! Such a dream come true! So many places I want to see, food I want to taste, people I want to meet. I want to soak in the culture and just enjoy. I am lucky to be going with her, for many reasons really, as she has this vast experience with travelling and enjoying her areas. She has this way of making people feel special and important especially those that other people might view with disdain. She treats them with respect and they often want to show her the same. She was telling me about a concierge that she met when she was last in Paris. She had some amazing photos (possibly paintings) that she had paid for and they were damaged. Well he got her replacements for free out of the kindness of his heart. She, after many years, wants to go back, maybe find him, just to show her gratitude. That is so sweet, on both counts. He didn't have to do that for her, and probably wouldn't have if she had been a "typical" American and was rude and demanding. I am fairly certain, given her character, that she had treated him with a high level of regard and respect which in turn warranted his eagerness to help her out. I am very excited to share this experience with her and see Paris with someone so remarkable.

Ok, onward to life.

Things are going really well for me. I have been eating the plan that I was given and sticking to it. I did have some emotional turmoil that occurred last week that put me in a funk and, while I could see that my outbursts were a bit unwarranted, I couldn't stop the flood of emotion. I have been on such a high with energy and eating healthy that when I dropped, it was significant. I have been slowly building myself back up to that high but it has taken some time. I holed up in my condo over the weekend cleaning and just decompressing with my dogs. As I get to know who I am and accept my core traits and needs, I am discovering that I really crave alone time to rework my mind (yes, that is the sign of an introvert, which I know I am). I do have to thank my Mom for pushing me to spend time with the fam on SuperBowl Sunday when I really didn't want to but I do need to learn to say no, I am going to have some me time, for as long as I need to. I have the tendency to let others influence how I feel about myself and it is not necessarily a good thing.



**Warning - Emotions**
When I was first offered the trip to Paris, I sent a frantic and very real email to my mom. Here is how it went:
Me:

Should Paris work out…I am a little nervous.

 Am I too fat to go?

Mom:

WHAT?????? 

OK – reality – you will need an extender on the plane but so frickin what? You need to live life? Can you drop 20 lbs before than… very easily if not more. I lost 30lbs in 5 weeks eating a strict paleo diet, portion controlled. It will give you more energy for walking around the city.

Don’t act like a fat person and you won’t be a fat person. Please… go and have a fantastic time???

It continued on and we made plans for the gym but the initial email was fueled from my belief that I am less than and unable to do what "skinny" people can do. That is terrible! How have I, at the age of 30, let myself be influenced by others to determine what I can and cannot do. I know a lot of it stems from past stuff that has effected me over my many years and I work through it on a daily basis, but looking over the email string, it breaks my heart that I live with that fear. I love my mom and family for showing me that my worth is not based on my size or what I look like. It is hard to wrap my head around sometimes but their constant love and support has really helped. 

**Emotions Ending**

So this eating plan is becoming a bit boring and I am struggling to make it delicious. I am also having a hard time eating all of the food I am supposed to but when I deviate from the plan, change up the veggies and proteins, I struggle even more. I am not straying and have been good about sticking with it...I have had weak moments like all people have but I am very proud that I am still going. I keep my new shoes in my office as a reminder and it definitely keeps the fires going. Thrive has been a big help in keeping my energy levels going and with more energy, I am able to do more for myself. I am really just focusing on one day at a time and giving myself the best options that I can.