Day 12

As I write this post, Lee Brice's song, 'Love like Crazy' is playing. I love this line: "Just ask him how he made it, he'll tell you faith and sweat, and the heart of a faithful woman who never let him forget....be a best friend, tell the truth and overuse I Love You. Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy and love like crazy. Always treat your woman like a lady, never get to old to call her baby. Never let your praying knees get lazy and love like crazy" 


So my day (yesterday) started with an early morning phone call that I have yet to tell anyone about. The call came in at 4am, and because I was dead asleep, I answered it. "Will you accept a call from the King County Jail System from 'Meow'?" is what the auto-attendant asked me. I was immediately awake and probably spent a good minute debating on whether I should accept it or not. I worried that it was someone important, a friend or family member that needed my help...the 'meow' SHOULD have given it away but I skipped right over that part. So, being me I accepted the call that would change my day....maybe my life? Meh, doubtful. Yes. It was He who shall not be named. He was in jail and needed my help. I SHOULD have hung up on him; stated that he was on his own and wished him the best of luck but I couldn't. He didn't need money or anything like that, he just needed someone to pick him up and take him to his parents. Having had to deal with this for most of the 3-4 years that we were together, I really shouldn't have helped him out. I really should have walked away and let his friends deal with him. But I couldn't....So after his brother (who lives in New York) posted his bail, I drove to Seattle and picked him up. He looked awful. His eyes were red, puffy and almost swollen shut. The fumes coming off of his body was making me lightheaded in the car and he looked so sad. The car ride back to Kirkland was interesting to say the least...


You see, he said some things on that drive that really made me stop and think. He apologized for everything and walked me through what was going on in his brain when we were together.  He basically told me that while our relationship was horribly destructive, it was something that had changed his life and he thinks about often. He made me feel better about everything and gave me a lot of encouragement with my goals and plans. After I finally got him home, I went to my favorite place to think and breathe. I sat with Daisy at the park and just stared at the water. I watched the birds above as they struggled to fly into the wind. I focused on the darkening clouds and the imminent storm that they represented. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I finally got the closure that I needed to be at peace.

Now I am trying to allow that peace to permeate everything else going on. I feel like I have so much on my plate and most of it is stuff that I keep heaping on it. I am so focused on the knowing instead of just living and experiencing. I MUST know what is going on, I must have answers and I really need them right now. Because of that, I tend to over-analyze everything to death (my death most likely as I saw some murderous gleams in the eyes of my friends =/ ) I don't know how to let go and just live. I keep wondering did I ruin everything? Did I ruin nothing? Are we friends? More than friends? Are my friends right? Are they wrong? What about fixing the friend zone? What is going on?! The list is endless and circular. No one knows the answers to these questions except for maybe him and I am too scared to just ask.

It all boils back down to patience. It is a virtue that I lack and am struggling with. The old adage that all things will be revealed in time is just annoying but true. You are only as strong as the struggles have made you on this journey and if you go after the shortcuts, you will fail in the long run. Isn't the whole point of life to experience it, live it and work your way through it?

Of course as I end this, 'All your life' by The Band Perry is playing...I am definitely asking this to the next guy I date "Would you walk to the edge of the ocean just to fill my jar with sand? Just in case I get the notion to let it run through my hand? ... Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies, put them in a lamp to light my world? All dressed up in tux and bow tie, hand delivered to a lonely girl."